Back to Square One

   We QQ'd with Isaac again tonight.  He is back to being terribly scared again.  Me too...

Oh, my heart be still!

     Oh, my heart be still!  We got to visit with Isaac through "QQ"-- the Chinese version of Skype.
Thank you Jesus for technology.  The evening began with a very nervous family (actually just Leanna and I) anxiously waiting for the beeping sound that meant it was time to start.  The girls had to take a time-out to pray in order to calm our souls.  Bill and Troy had on their confident game-faces.  Finally the time came.  I was expecting a scared-looking little boy (Isaac) and a silent little girl (Leanna), but what I got was an excited little boy and a talkative little girl! 
     Isaac looked eager to see his family and Leanna jumped to the front of the camara and began to show him how much we have been anticipating his arrival.  We showed him all around the house and the special things we have made or bought in order to welcome him.  The funniest part was when we opened the garage door and he saw Troy's mustang.  He started clapping!  Poor guy doesn't know he'll actually be riding in the ancient, beat-up, very uncool van:(  He even made a heart out of his hands and Leanna made one back for him.  At one point she started dancing and singing," He likes us! He likes us!"  It was priceless.
     After QQing, we had to wait for the orphanage to get back with the Lifeline contact to let us know if he was willing to continue with the adoption or not.  We finally heard back at 10:00 the next morning.  They said YES!  We will be on a plane next Friday, the 26th., headed for China.  Finally, after 18 months, we are on our way.
     I know that he will probably get scared and have doubts again before it is all over with.  I understand we have a long hard road ahead of us, but it is time to begin the journey.  We are stepping out on faith and trusting God to lead us. This morning in Leanna's devotion, the author said "Faith isn't just you holding on to God.  It's God holding on to you."  Thank heavens my God is strong and trustworthy!
    

Can you Trust Me?

   We have our travel approval and our consulate appointment.  Why is there not a great big exclamation mark and smiley face behind that sentence?  Remember, God is working on my deep water faith.  We have a situation that I've never read in anyone else's blog, but I'm sure we could not possibly be the first.
     When we received our final update and picture, alarms went off in my heart.  Isaac did not look like the happy guy we had seen in videos 10 months earlier.  He looked miserable and terrified.  I asked our agency if we could possibly get more information about this change.  Well, they came back with life-changing information.
     Isaac's history before he came to the orphanage at age 6 finally came to light.  He was able to share with his favorite nanny a story that explains the fear that is threatening to overtake his future.  He has to agree to this adoption, but he is afraid to trust in the fact that we will love him and protect him.  It seems unbelievable to him that someone would want a child with thalassemia.  Trusting is sooo hard.
     Sometimes I have trouble believing that my Father loves me despite my imperfections.  Sometimes I have trouble believing that my Father will protect me in this scary world.  God has proven his love and protection over me many many times and I still doubt!  I can't imagine trusting someone with such a big task when there is no proven track record.  That's huge -- especially for a 10 year old who has not had the opportunity to know a loving father.
     So, here's the deal.  We are going to skype with Isaac Monday night in our home.  Praise God for technology!  Hopefully this will help ease his anxiety.  The orphanage workers will then talk with him and make a decision about whether or not we will continue with the adoption.  Please pray for Isaac to have peace.  Please pray for our family to have acceptance. 
     God is so good and I have no doubt that this situation is being turned into something beautiful.  Isaac is no longer carrying a dark secret that has burdened him for 4 years. The orphanage workers have important information that will help them to help Isaac better.  As always, He is working a new thing in me that will give me a glimpse of a God that is bigger and better than I could ever imagine!  God is awesome and I can't wait to see the ending of this story!

Surviving

     Well, the wedding is over and I have survived.  Not gracefully, I'll admit.  All you have to do is look at the pictures to see how my day was going.  I'm ashamed of my attitude and behavior on that day.  Why in the world did I act so frazzled when I had so much wonderful help and nothing too terribly tragic had happened.  I've never thought of myself as a drama queen, but maybe I am.  Oh well.  Thank goodness for forgiveness (which I have asked for and received).  Krista was absolutely beautiful!
     We are sitting around twittling our thumbs while we wait for our travel approval and U.S. Consulate appointment. The approval should be here any day now, but we have hit another snag with the consulate appointment.  They are closing for 2 weeks to move to a new location. That means we still will not know our dates of travel even though we receive our approval.  The consulate reopens on the 25th so we will probably be waiting until August to know when can finally go to China.  Ugh!!!
 I feel like a 9 month pregnant woman who is 2 weeks overdue thinking her baby is never going to come!

The next step

    The long-awaited LOA has arrived!  The long-awaited engagement (Krista and Jeremy)  has arrived! Jeremy proposed to Krista (our 3rd daughter) on Mother's Day and the LOA came 3 days later.  We are excited, but ....
     Seriously, did God really think I could handle planning and possibly having a wedding in June and going to China to get Isaac in July?  Is this a test, or should I say opportunity, for relying on God or what?  O.K., I can do this -- no need to panic.  HELP...
     I'm not really complaining.  The last several years of my life have seemed like one emergency after another, but big blessings have often come as a result.  I am developing deep-water faith which cannot happen if I stay in the shallow end.  Yes, I was sometimes pushed into the deep-end and did not go voluntarily, but the results are the same.  I am learning to swim with a God whose strength is sufficient for my needs.  He is a vigilant lifeguard whom I can count on to rescue me when I am in over my head. 
     All is well with my soul.  My brain is another matter.  It is going 90 miles an hour.  What do I need to do to prepare for Isaac?  Stock the freezer with easy meals, schedule doctor appointments, find furniture for his room, deep-clean the house, figure out what we will need to pack for China, and still find a way to raise about $4000 more dollars.
     What do I need to do to prepare for Krista's wedding?  Find a place within our budget, send invitations, discuss flowers, make decorations, plan and possibly prepare food, help her find a dress, lose 20 pounds, and discover the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow so we can pay for a wedding.  Phew!  This summer is going to be busy.
      How blessed I am to have a beautiful daughter about to be married and a son in China to bring home.

The Waiting

     The waiting is so hard.  I'm seeing families who were logged in a month later than us receive their LOA's.
It's easy to start looking for someone to blame -- whose fault is it that we haven't been served yet?  It is a family joke for the Simmons' to be the last ones served in a restaurant or to be the family whose order gets lost.  Oh well ... we've gotten many free meals that way.  Bill has taught me to laugh and enjoy the extra time together instead of grumble and complain.  But  it's sooo hard.  And this is more important than food.
     I know God's timing is perfect.  I know the devil loves to sow seeds of doubt and fear during a delay, so why am I entertaining him?  How many times a day am I shooing away the What Ifs and How Comes?  I should be sleeping right now like the rest of my family, not writing a blog.  It's amazing how writing something down or speaking it aloud can bring clarity to a situation.  I think I'm ready to rest in His goodness now.  Good Night.

P.S.  For those of you who think it is insane to travel all the way across the world to claim a son we've never seen, you are absolutely right.  Isn't it exciting? 

Why not here? (Revisited)

      In an earlier blog, I skimmed over a question that deserved more attention.  It is the question all international adoption parents hear :  why are you going way over there, when there are so many children right here in the United States.  I tried to ignore the question on my first blog because it is hard and it requires me to really look inside myself for the answer.
      Yesterday, I read an e-mail from another adoptive parent that asked, "How do you respond to the person who says "Congratulations, but I sure wish it was a kid from the United States." My first reaction was a smart-alec response -- "If you really care so much about these kids, here's the phone number to the nearest foster care agency."  Oh dear... I have a long way to go in my walk with Jesus. 
      I'm sure everyone has different reasons and probably it is a combination of reasons that lead people overseas, but here are some of the most common reasons:  God lead me to this country, the adoption requirements fit our needs, and I'm afraid my child will find their birthparents later and forget about me.  I heard many stories of frustration and heartache with trying to adopt domestically before it was my turn to travel through the adoption maze.  So, I did what most people do.  I believed the stories and skipped straight to the international adoption websites looking for the easiest path.  My oh my, I had a lot to learn.
     I'm about to share a truth with you that is going to make me look unloving and absolutely stupid, but I know I don't stand alone.  There are many others who have adopted or are on the journey that are guilty of the same crime.  I'm just foolish enough to share it and in need of the cleansing power of confession.
    Everyone wants a happily-ever-after family.  Everyone wants a problem-free life.  I was afraid that if we adopted an older child in the United States, he/she would carry emotional baggage that I wouldn't be able to handle.  Everyone has heard the stories of neglect and abuse and reuniting children over and over in hopes of keeping children and their birthparents together.  I had heard that by the time a child was available for adoption in the United States, they had gone through a terrible time that left many, many scars.  Does that mean they don't deserve the healing power of a loving family?  Certainly not.
     What was I thinking?  Did I really think that if I brought home a child from China with a physical need, he would not have emotional issues also?  Let's think this through:  this child is in an orphanage because he had been abandoned and 2 white aliens who don't speak his language come and carry him to a foreign land where everything looks and smells different and I think he won't have issues?  Was I really so naive?  Yes.
     I know so much more than I did at the beginning of our journey to Isaac.  Lifeline does an excellent job of educating potential adoptive parents and I have done A LOT of reading on my own (books, blogs and research on the computer).  You don't get far in the process without the people at Lifeline making sure you know what you're getting yourself into.  And yet we continue on...
     Why?  Because God is with me.  Because I can trust He has my back and that of a 10-year-old boy.  If we feel led to adopt again, would we consider a child from the foster care system in the United States?  Absolutely!  God has shown me that what I lack, He will provide.  We all have emotional, physical and spiritual baggage.  Thank goodness we have a God strong enough and loving enough to hold us close and never abandon us.