Back to Square One

   We QQ'd with Isaac again tonight.  He is back to being terribly scared again.  Me too...

Oh, my heart be still!

     Oh, my heart be still!  We got to visit with Isaac through "QQ"-- the Chinese version of Skype.
Thank you Jesus for technology.  The evening began with a very nervous family (actually just Leanna and I) anxiously waiting for the beeping sound that meant it was time to start.  The girls had to take a time-out to pray in order to calm our souls.  Bill and Troy had on their confident game-faces.  Finally the time came.  I was expecting a scared-looking little boy (Isaac) and a silent little girl (Leanna), but what I got was an excited little boy and a talkative little girl! 
     Isaac looked eager to see his family and Leanna jumped to the front of the camara and began to show him how much we have been anticipating his arrival.  We showed him all around the house and the special things we have made or bought in order to welcome him.  The funniest part was when we opened the garage door and he saw Troy's mustang.  He started clapping!  Poor guy doesn't know he'll actually be riding in the ancient, beat-up, very uncool van:(  He even made a heart out of his hands and Leanna made one back for him.  At one point she started dancing and singing," He likes us! He likes us!"  It was priceless.
     After QQing, we had to wait for the orphanage to get back with the Lifeline contact to let us know if he was willing to continue with the adoption or not.  We finally heard back at 10:00 the next morning.  They said YES!  We will be on a plane next Friday, the 26th., headed for China.  Finally, after 18 months, we are on our way.
     I know that he will probably get scared and have doubts again before it is all over with.  I understand we have a long hard road ahead of us, but it is time to begin the journey.  We are stepping out on faith and trusting God to lead us. This morning in Leanna's devotion, the author said "Faith isn't just you holding on to God.  It's God holding on to you."  Thank heavens my God is strong and trustworthy!
    

Can you Trust Me?

   We have our travel approval and our consulate appointment.  Why is there not a great big exclamation mark and smiley face behind that sentence?  Remember, God is working on my deep water faith.  We have a situation that I've never read in anyone else's blog, but I'm sure we could not possibly be the first.
     When we received our final update and picture, alarms went off in my heart.  Isaac did not look like the happy guy we had seen in videos 10 months earlier.  He looked miserable and terrified.  I asked our agency if we could possibly get more information about this change.  Well, they came back with life-changing information.
     Isaac's history before he came to the orphanage at age 6 finally came to light.  He was able to share with his favorite nanny a story that explains the fear that is threatening to overtake his future.  He has to agree to this adoption, but he is afraid to trust in the fact that we will love him and protect him.  It seems unbelievable to him that someone would want a child with thalassemia.  Trusting is sooo hard.
     Sometimes I have trouble believing that my Father loves me despite my imperfections.  Sometimes I have trouble believing that my Father will protect me in this scary world.  God has proven his love and protection over me many many times and I still doubt!  I can't imagine trusting someone with such a big task when there is no proven track record.  That's huge -- especially for a 10 year old who has not had the opportunity to know a loving father.
     So, here's the deal.  We are going to skype with Isaac Monday night in our home.  Praise God for technology!  Hopefully this will help ease his anxiety.  The orphanage workers will then talk with him and make a decision about whether or not we will continue with the adoption.  Please pray for Isaac to have peace.  Please pray for our family to have acceptance. 
     God is so good and I have no doubt that this situation is being turned into something beautiful.  Isaac is no longer carrying a dark secret that has burdened him for 4 years. The orphanage workers have important information that will help them to help Isaac better.  As always, He is working a new thing in me that will give me a glimpse of a God that is bigger and better than I could ever imagine!  God is awesome and I can't wait to see the ending of this story!

Surviving

     Well, the wedding is over and I have survived.  Not gracefully, I'll admit.  All you have to do is look at the pictures to see how my day was going.  I'm ashamed of my attitude and behavior on that day.  Why in the world did I act so frazzled when I had so much wonderful help and nothing too terribly tragic had happened.  I've never thought of myself as a drama queen, but maybe I am.  Oh well.  Thank goodness for forgiveness (which I have asked for and received).  Krista was absolutely beautiful!
     We are sitting around twittling our thumbs while we wait for our travel approval and U.S. Consulate appointment. The approval should be here any day now, but we have hit another snag with the consulate appointment.  They are closing for 2 weeks to move to a new location. That means we still will not know our dates of travel even though we receive our approval.  The consulate reopens on the 25th so we will probably be waiting until August to know when can finally go to China.  Ugh!!!
 I feel like a 9 month pregnant woman who is 2 weeks overdue thinking her baby is never going to come!

The next step

    The long-awaited LOA has arrived!  The long-awaited engagement (Krista and Jeremy)  has arrived! Jeremy proposed to Krista (our 3rd daughter) on Mother's Day and the LOA came 3 days later.  We are excited, but ....
     Seriously, did God really think I could handle planning and possibly having a wedding in June and going to China to get Isaac in July?  Is this a test, or should I say opportunity, for relying on God or what?  O.K., I can do this -- no need to panic.  HELP...
     I'm not really complaining.  The last several years of my life have seemed like one emergency after another, but big blessings have often come as a result.  I am developing deep-water faith which cannot happen if I stay in the shallow end.  Yes, I was sometimes pushed into the deep-end and did not go voluntarily, but the results are the same.  I am learning to swim with a God whose strength is sufficient for my needs.  He is a vigilant lifeguard whom I can count on to rescue me when I am in over my head. 
     All is well with my soul.  My brain is another matter.  It is going 90 miles an hour.  What do I need to do to prepare for Isaac?  Stock the freezer with easy meals, schedule doctor appointments, find furniture for his room, deep-clean the house, figure out what we will need to pack for China, and still find a way to raise about $4000 more dollars.
     What do I need to do to prepare for Krista's wedding?  Find a place within our budget, send invitations, discuss flowers, make decorations, plan and possibly prepare food, help her find a dress, lose 20 pounds, and discover the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow so we can pay for a wedding.  Phew!  This summer is going to be busy.
      How blessed I am to have a beautiful daughter about to be married and a son in China to bring home.

The Waiting

     The waiting is so hard.  I'm seeing families who were logged in a month later than us receive their LOA's.
It's easy to start looking for someone to blame -- whose fault is it that we haven't been served yet?  It is a family joke for the Simmons' to be the last ones served in a restaurant or to be the family whose order gets lost.  Oh well ... we've gotten many free meals that way.  Bill has taught me to laugh and enjoy the extra time together instead of grumble and complain.  But  it's sooo hard.  And this is more important than food.
     I know God's timing is perfect.  I know the devil loves to sow seeds of doubt and fear during a delay, so why am I entertaining him?  How many times a day am I shooing away the What Ifs and How Comes?  I should be sleeping right now like the rest of my family, not writing a blog.  It's amazing how writing something down or speaking it aloud can bring clarity to a situation.  I think I'm ready to rest in His goodness now.  Good Night.

P.S.  For those of you who think it is insane to travel all the way across the world to claim a son we've never seen, you are absolutely right.  Isn't it exciting? 

Why not here? (Revisited)

      In an earlier blog, I skimmed over a question that deserved more attention.  It is the question all international adoption parents hear :  why are you going way over there, when there are so many children right here in the United States.  I tried to ignore the question on my first blog because it is hard and it requires me to really look inside myself for the answer.
      Yesterday, I read an e-mail from another adoptive parent that asked, "How do you respond to the person who says "Congratulations, but I sure wish it was a kid from the United States." My first reaction was a smart-alec response -- "If you really care so much about these kids, here's the phone number to the nearest foster care agency."  Oh dear... I have a long way to go in my walk with Jesus. 
      I'm sure everyone has different reasons and probably it is a combination of reasons that lead people overseas, but here are some of the most common reasons:  God lead me to this country, the adoption requirements fit our needs, and I'm afraid my child will find their birthparents later and forget about me.  I heard many stories of frustration and heartache with trying to adopt domestically before it was my turn to travel through the adoption maze.  So, I did what most people do.  I believed the stories and skipped straight to the international adoption websites looking for the easiest path.  My oh my, I had a lot to learn.
     I'm about to share a truth with you that is going to make me look unloving and absolutely stupid, but I know I don't stand alone.  There are many others who have adopted or are on the journey that are guilty of the same crime.  I'm just foolish enough to share it and in need of the cleansing power of confession.
    Everyone wants a happily-ever-after family.  Everyone wants a problem-free life.  I was afraid that if we adopted an older child in the United States, he/she would carry emotional baggage that I wouldn't be able to handle.  Everyone has heard the stories of neglect and abuse and reuniting children over and over in hopes of keeping children and their birthparents together.  I had heard that by the time a child was available for adoption in the United States, they had gone through a terrible time that left many, many scars.  Does that mean they don't deserve the healing power of a loving family?  Certainly not.
     What was I thinking?  Did I really think that if I brought home a child from China with a physical need, he would not have emotional issues also?  Let's think this through:  this child is in an orphanage because he had been abandoned and 2 white aliens who don't speak his language come and carry him to a foreign land where everything looks and smells different and I think he won't have issues?  Was I really so naive?  Yes.
     I know so much more than I did at the beginning of our journey to Isaac.  Lifeline does an excellent job of educating potential adoptive parents and I have done A LOT of reading on my own (books, blogs and research on the computer).  You don't get far in the process without the people at Lifeline making sure you know what you're getting yourself into.  And yet we continue on...
     Why?  Because God is with me.  Because I can trust He has my back and that of a 10-year-old boy.  If we feel led to adopt again, would we consider a child from the foster care system in the United States?  Absolutely!  God has shown me that what I lack, He will provide.  We all have emotional, physical and spiritual baggage.  Thank goodness we have a God strong enough and loving enough to hold us close and never abandon us.
 

What's the big deal...

       Why all the "hoopla" over our adoption of Isaac?   Are we trying to make ourselves look saintly?
Why all of a sudden is a private introvert like me advertising her life on a blog and even joining Facebook?  There are 2 reasons. 
      The first reason is a matter of practicality.  International adoption is expensive -- over $30,000. There are fees to the adoption agency, fees to China, travel fees, homestudy fees, and many other miscellaneous expenses.  We have several fundraisers going.  Facebook, letters, and blogs are some of the ways we can let friends and family know we need their support.  It is hard to ask for help sometimes and God has definitely worked on my pride through this experience.  Prayers and money are always appreciated :)  We still need about $5000 dollars.  Although our travel time is getting close, I know God has a plan to provide.
     The other reason I have stepped outside my comfort zone (Facebook? Really? I would have never thought!) is that maybe in sharing our story, someone else might be encouraged to open their home to a child without a family.  There are so many...
     God has taught me so much about obedience, trust and hope through this adoption journey.  I'm sure His lessons will continue after Isaac comes home.  Thanks be to God!

Acceptance

     I guess it really wouldn't have mattered what we had discovered about his special need.  He had already stolen our hearts.  We sent a "letter of intent to adopt" to China and we were pre-approved two weeks later. It was now the beginning of October and it was very exciting to finally have a face to put with our son.
      I suppose now would be a good time to explain Isaac's name. Obviously his name in China is not Isaac. It is Zhi'an (pronounced Jerron in English).  The meaning of Isaac is laughter.  I feel like smiling every time I think of how God has grown our family in ways I could never have imagined as a young woman.  Most Chinese children want an American name when they are adopted.  Since we can not ask him ahead of time what his preference is (paperwork is required from China with their new American name), we have decided to name him Isaac Zhi'an.  That way he can decide for himself after we get home.
     After our pre-approval, we were encouraged to send him a care package of treats, toys, pictures, or whatever we thought would be beneficial. I really struggled with this idea. It wasn't that I didn't want to send him things, but I worried that if we sent things too early and then he sat around waiting for us to come, he might think we had changed our minds.  Nine months is a long time for a child!  In the end, we ended up sending a photo album of our family, a bag of BlowPops to share, and a puzzle.
     We also received an update on Isaac after the pre-approval. He is exactly the same size as Leanna, loves dogs and likes to play darts.  Just an ordinary boy who needs a family and needs a blood transfusion every 3 weeks. 
     I know there will be challenges.  I know there will be tears and tantrums.  I know there will be pain in the assimilation process.  But I also know there will be God -- and He is good and He has big plans.  I can trust Him and rest in the knowledge of His love for me and my family.

Isaac's need

     Isaac has a blood disease called thalassemia.  His bone marrow  makes deformed red blood cells, so he needs a blood transfusion once every 3 or 4 weeks.  In addition to that, he receives chealation therapy which involves taking a pill everyday to help draw out excess iron in his blood.  Scientists are working on a cure for thalassemia and have successfully cured a few people with bone marrow transplants. It is still very risky and requires a perfect sibling match.
     His disease is very expensive to treat, but insurance is  helpful. Although his first month home will be filled with all kinds of doctor appointments, we should settle down to a routine that is not too intrusive in our daily life.  He has no restrictions on his activities and he likes to play like all 10- year- old boys.  We will have to watch our consumption of iron-rich foods.  Red meat and packaged cereal are the biggest foods to cut back.  That will be good for everyone! 
     His biggest special need is the same as yours and mine -- he needs someone to love him and tell him about the Father and his Son.

Finding Isaac

     I know these posts are moving at a fast pace, but we are playing catch-up.  September 2012  was full of big decisions.  We had chosen the country of China already and now it was time to look at the real faces of lots of little boys.  Some people have asked, "Why China, when there are so many children right here in the U.S.?"  It's a fair question with no clear answer.  First of all, we felt like that was where God led us.  Our first adoption journey was a domestic adoption and it was a fabulous experience.  This time, China seemed the most practical choice.  God didn't send anyone knocking on our doorstep.  Instead, we'll be doing the knocking this time.  The travel requirements, the age requirements, and the adoption process for China fit our needs. 
     Have you ever looked on adoption sites like Rainbowkids?  It is a very overwhelming experience.  So many children with so many needs.  Most of all, they just need someone to love them and call them "my child."  How would we ever know which one God had chosen for us?  The weight of this decision was weighing heavy on my heart. 
     Leanna and I were looking on Lifeline's special focus list (a list for kids who have been available for a long time and not yet chosen) one day when we came across the face of a boy who looked about Leanna's age.  His eyes seemed to come out of his picture and look right at me. It felt like he was speaking to me.  There were 2 videos under his picture, so Leanna and I watched them.  In the first video, he seemed like a very nervous and fidgety boy who didn't want to be the focus of attention (he sings a very cute little song though :) . The 2nd video had him showing off a picture he had drawn.  It was a picture of a family standing beside a house.  Leanna said, "Look mom, the house has stairs, just like ours.  I think he might be the one."
 I believed she was right. It was time to research his "special need."    

    

He didn't say no ...

      Bill didn't say no.  He said "I'll pray about it."  The waiting lasted for about 3 months and on Valentine's Day 2012,  I received the most loving homemade card ever.  It had two words on it  -- I'm ready.  We applied to Lifeline Children's Services and began our homestudy in March. 
     One of the requirements for potential adoptive parents is to write your life story.  There are guidelines to follow and it is very intensive.  Definitely a trip down "memory lane."  I remember thinking how hard it must be for Bill to write his story with both of his parents having passed away in the last year and a half.  Then, on April 13th (one week after we turned in our life stories) my father died unexpectly of a heart attack.  It was a very hard time for me and I'm so thankful to have a God who will carry me when I'm feeling weak.
     Another part of our homestudy was a health assessment.  Bill and I are fairly healthy people, so we breezed through our check-ups.  Bill, being 52 years old, was reminded that he was 2 years over due for the "dreaded colonoscopy."  He figured he might as well get it over with because there wouldn't be much time for that after a child came home.  The homestudy was complete and we were waiting for the final draft when Bill  had his colonoscopy.  Imagine our surprise when the doctor came out to tell me he had found a cancerous tumor that needed to be removed as soon as possible. Bill had no symptoms and probably would not have had this procedure done if not for the adoption process.  I believe Isaac may have saved Bill's life. The cancer was caught early, removed, and he is cancer-free.  Praise God!
     In August our homestudy was complete and we were approved for a special-neeeds boy between the ages of  5-10 years old. The search was on!
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The Beginning...

Most people begin their adoption blogs at the beginning of their journey.  I'm a little behind the times -- no surprise to those who know me.  We are already logged in with China and have been pre-approved for a 10 year old boy named Zhi'an.  This first blog will be long because I am taking you waaaay back to the beginning of our adoption stories (yes, more than one).  Bear with me, and I promise future posts will not be quite so long!
     Our adoption story began about 20 years ago when the youngest of our 4 older children was about 2 years old.  For some unknown and crazy reason God planted in my heart the desire for another child.  I know it doesn't make sense to most people -- I already had 4 children under the age of 10.  But, the longing was there.
     While I was pregnant with Troy (the 4th baby), Bill and I endured many supposedly humorous and sometimes snide comments from friends and strangers alike.  "Don't you know what causes this?" was just one remark we must have heard a hundred times.  Being young ( I was 27) and not as strong in my faith, I let others suck the joy and pride I should have felt right out of me.  When the doctor suggested I have my tubes tied, I agreed.  My girlhood dream of a large family was accomplished, and apparently I needed to stop having babies.
     So what did I do with my new heart's desire?  Why, I kept it a secret of course!  I didn't want anyone to think I had flipped my lid.  I didn't even tell my husband.  The only one I dared discuss it with was the one who had placed it in my heart to begin with.  My secret was safe with Him!  My prayer went kind of like this:
God, I know nothing is impossible with you.  If you want our family to grow, you will provide.  I also know there are consequences for our actions (having my tubes tied), but I also know your mercies are neverending.  I know you hear my prayer and I'll just wait for your answer (but can you please hurry up, I'm not getting any younger).  
     I know some of you are thinking, "Why didn't you just get your tubes untied?"  Well, remember I still hadn't told my husband how I felt (I know, I should have).  Bill was living life and loving it and he seemed 100% happy with the way things were.  Basically, I was chicken.  So each year and sometimes each month I just continued my prayer, "I'm still waiting...I'm still believing...".
     God had plans -- big plans.  He let us in on them in June of 2003, and in October of that same year Leanna joined our family in a way that only God could have orchestrated.  Her story is amazing, but not the one we're focusing on right now.  God had answered my prayers in a better way than I could have imagined, and I thought our family was finally complete.  God was looking down and snickering.  For 8 years I enjoyed raising Leanna as a kind-of only child (the others were about grown) -- much different than having 4 stair-step kids.  But then, out of no where it happened.  THE LONGING.  My immediate reaction was, "Oh no, I lost my mind.  I landed on the other side of menopause without my brain!"  Then I heard God's voice.  It sounded strangely like Leanna, and it said "sure would be nice if I had someone to do my schoolwork with."  O.K.  I heard you...  This time I did share with Bill what I felt God was saying and thus the beginning of our journey to Isaac.